I was trying to focus on a reading for school, but I couldn't understand what I was reading. I was having trouble thinking. So, I decided to write this.
Today didn't start off well. I was feeling umotivated, undriven, and unambitious. I felt like I didn't want to do anything with my life. I have a dream for my life, but I don't even seem to hold onto it that strongly. I felt that way the night before, and I still feel it as I'm writing this.
I went to my class today and sat for the lecture. I had trouble understanding what was being said. It couldn't have even been that difficult. I think I again felt that feeling of no ambition, no drive, no desire, no will, etc.
I think I back down in the face of adversity too much. Unwilling to go through hardship, even if it means achieving my dreams. That probably sounds stupid, and thinking about others makes me feel abnormal because of these feelings of no grit or ambition.
While trying to read and study for school, I felt stupid for not understanding a damn thing I read. It didn't help that I even felt racist and prudish. I'm kind of a shitty person, I guess. I felt aware of the fact that I became this person - like, look at what I am, I didn't think this would happen. Why?
I tried to combat the prudish thoughts. The puritanical thoughts towards sex and other people's sexual habits. Writing that made me feel ridiculous, for a moment. I can't describe how I feel about myself because of that, but it's not really a positive feeling.
I might be racist. I might. I know that'd make me exiled on NekoWeb. I guess I wanna ask why. Do I even deserve sympathy?
Seems like my days have been pretty shitty lately. I don't know if I want to pursue my major anymore. An idea I have for a career is UX Design, yet I feel discouraged and unwilling to go through the hardships that come with becoming a UX Designer. Sounds pathetic, probably.
I guess I'm racist, stupid, prudish, judgmental, etc. Not such a great person, I guess. I can't even feel that bad for it, and I guess I feel bad for that.
Well, that's my first diary entry on this website. Not a nice start. I know it'd be bold of me to ask this, considering the flaws I listed in the above paragraph, but - I guess I want... warmth. It was a little difficult to say "warmth", considering the flaws I just listed.
I don't think I know what I want. Maybe I wish I was a better person. Do I actually strongly wish for that? I don't know. I don't know what I am. I want to say something like "what am I?" or something like that, but I don't know what. I don't think I can put it into words.